is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
