I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
