i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
