i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
