The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
