waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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