this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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