the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
