I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
the liver wants what the liver wants
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm always down for nudity.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
