i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
