Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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