Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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