i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
