How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
