I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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