And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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