I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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