I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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