So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
