$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
