my mouth tastes like poor choices
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
