u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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