i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
