My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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