He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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