hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
