I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
