according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
