Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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