You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
