Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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