I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
