Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
