Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
