i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
