you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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