she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
