I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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