You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
