she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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