i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
