I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
