i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
