Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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