He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
