And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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