oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Someone signed my nipple.
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