My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
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