Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
