i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
