Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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